DATING ADVICE: Run, Dont Walk, Away
by Karen Jones
It's no big deal, you tell yourself. You've started dating a guy you really like. He's perfect in almost every way, but there have been a few signs that he's got a bit of a temper. Just two or three minor episodes that showed you he can get pretty aggressive and impatient. You, however, know that if he is loved by the right woman (you), he'll stop feeling so frustrated by the little things.
BEST FOOT FORWARD, INITIALLY
There is no subtle way to say this, so I'm just going to say it:
RUN, don't walk away from him. This man is showing you his very best behavior, as you've just started dating. This is him putting his best foot forward, and restraining the "less-than-attractive" parts of himself.
Of course, you're doing the same thing, because just about everyone does this as a matter of course. You may be really insecure, or have a terrible relationship with your mother, but you're not going to reveal that about yourself until you're feeling surer of your relationship with a man, right?
You can pretty much bank on his aggressive and impatient behavior getting more pronounced as he gets more comfortable with you. My strong recommendation is that you don't stick around to find out what that will look like!
THE "MY LOVE WILL SAVE HIM" SYNDROME
I can't tell you how many women I've worked with over the years who've been attracted to men who "would be happy if the right woman loved him" (oh, wait, that was ME!). My belief is that it stems from a feeling that we need to work hard for the love and acceptance we long for.
It's SO important that we feel worthy of being loved exactly as we are, so we are able to adjust our "attractor" to draw men to us who are able to love us without our having to "earn it".
SOME DOS AND DON'TS
Here are some things to keep in mind, or to incorporate into your actions, so you're able to end up with a great man who's able to love you just as you are:
* Love YOURSELF just as you are (I'm not saying you won't have
dips once in a while...just be this way consistently enough to make
a positive difference in your life);
* If your gut is saying "Wow, he may have a temper", or "Wow, he's pretty stingy with his affection", or "Geez, he's still pretty mad at his (fill in the blank here)", or "Poor guy, he sure is struggling with letting himself have success", or anything else your radar is picking up on, BELIEVE IT! How many times have you ignored that quiet voice, only to see it absolutely clearly - in hindsight - and after lots of pain?
* Although it's true that we do grow throughout our lives, never choose a man based on who or what he could become...choose him based on who he is today. Then you can trust you'll be okay through the unfolding of his life's journey, because you two are a fit at the most fundamental levels, which don't tend to change.
* Compromise in a relationship is essential; however, never compromise who you ARE, or what your values are - you will pay dearly for that, and so will he.
* As Dr. Phil is known to say, "We teach people how to treat us"... If you're allowing something in your relationship with a man, you're basically saying to him "I'm okay with that". Don't end up doing what so often happens in relationships: you let it go and let it go, and then one day you completely explode, and he is CLUELESS about what happened.
These are some important elements to help you ensure you'll be able to attract, enjoy and build a successful relationship with a great man for you.
It's not a mystery who we end up with, and it's not an accident that we're treated the way we are. We create it all. It's up to you to decide what you want, to know you're worth it, and to settle for nothing less. Frankly, you're better off enjoying a life as a single woman than ending up with a man who will, by just being the man he showed himself to be right from the start, break your heart.
About the Author
KAREN JONES is the founder of The Heart Matters - since 1997, a relationship coaching and seminar company that's been successfully helping women have the relationship they've always dreamed of. To learn how Karen can help you find the right man, please visit her website: www.TheHeartMatters.com. To receive the complimentary monthly newsletter, "Ask the Coach", and also get the immediately downloadable bonus gift "Three Things Yo